i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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