I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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