Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
