Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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