My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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