I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
