I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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