You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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