He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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