I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
