So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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