So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
