Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Someone came in the potted fern
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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