I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
