O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
