nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
