Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
