This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
