Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
