Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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