You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
