He passed out mid-signature
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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