i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
