is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
