It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
