he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
