Can i not drive my cunt home
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
