I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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