My liver just broke up with me...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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