community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
