Soap is not a condiment
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
