Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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