"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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