I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
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This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
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I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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