In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
