yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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