i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
