it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
