I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
