Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead