Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
