it wasn't lemon gatorade
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
