i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
