Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
