I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
