I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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