yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I lost the right to judge tonight
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
