saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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