I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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