I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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