remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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