New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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