He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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