My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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