I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
