I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
