Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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